My first encounter with Sue's ex

The good news is that the doctors are pretty sure that they can save my legs and they think I will be able to at least walk again, possibly jog. Also they said many people are able to live normal lives with only one kidney and one testicle. I expect to be transferred from Salem to River Bend hospital in the next few days for surgery to put a plate in my head, but you should be able to visit by Saturday.

I know some of you don't know how I got into this predicament, and I am not entirely clear myself. Some of the images are very hazy. My last clear memory was spending Monday afternoon in Salem with new fellow Hacker Sue. She is remodeling her home and had a few little do-it-yourself projects that I agreed to help her with, including putting in an exhaust fan in her bathroom. The chore required me, first of all to travel to Lowes home improvement store where we had the good fortune to meet a friend of hers who is getting divorced and saw fit to let us know how much he hates bottom-feeding, scum-sucking lawyers. But that isn't part of the story. At her home I had to spend about an hour crawling through the confines of a small attic lying in what I hope was not asbestos insulation. The old fan was, of course, tucked into the narrowest space in the farthest reaches of the attic and required me to lie face down in this crap to get it out and the new one in.

When I finally dragged myself out, after what seemed like 4 hours of breathing through a straw, I was covered from head to foot with insulation and sheetrock dust. Fortunately I had my running gear with me, so I showered and changed into those clean clothes. I put my dirty clothes, including shoes, socks, jeans, undershorts and shirt in a pile to take out to the car later. So there I was, hair soaking wet, barely dressed, sitting at the kitchen table talking to Sue, when her face went pale. I noticed she was staring out the window and turned to look. She said we have company and sure enough a big Pepsi truck had pulled up out front. I asked her who that was. She looked at me with a terrified look and said: "My Husband! Quick! Hide!"

Well as Shoe learned last week, Evil Ed is not one to back down from any confrontation, no matter that this guy looked every bit of 6'5", 250 pounds, and RIPPED. He was coming up the sidewalk, the tattoo of "Mother" and the American Flag not quite covered by his Jeff Foxworthy T-shirt, and he was twirling a 40 ounce baseball bat like it was a cheerleader's baton. Sue ran to try to block the door but was too late. Too late to block the guy from barging in, and too late to remove my pile of clothing from the entryway.

Now, before I go any further, I need to write in defense of the moral character of my new . . . um . . . friend. She has been separated from her husband for 20 months, they have reached a property settlement agreement and she has filed a petition for dissolution of marriage. Contrary to what KC might have you believe, the ink on the petition is, and when I met her was, dry. The marriage, although continuing in the eyes of the law, had long since terminated physically and emotionally. Apparently Mr. NASCAR didn't get that message.

Sue tried to explain that I was just a friend who had come over to install the exhaust fan, but apparently he didn't think a shower and chat the kitchen are part of a normal home repair contract, and wasn't buying into it. The last thing I remember before the lights went out was wondering why Shoe wasn't there backing me up, and this dude screaming something about a scrawny old man. I have no idea what that was a reference to. I then had a fleeting image of "Adirondack, Dolgeville, New York, White Ash, Made in the USA." Then nothing. I only remember the words so well because when I look in the mirror I can see them imprinted on my forehead.

Fortunately, Sue has two big black labs that came to her defense. While they were gnawing on hubby's legs, Sue, a staunch Republican and lifetime member of the NRA, was able to access her arsenal and blew a 12 inch hole in the ceiling with her Benelli 10 gauge magnum, the most powerful shotgun ever manufactured. She had a second round in the chamber ready to blow his head clean off before the thunder of the first shot stopped reverberating through the house. The blow that would have taken out my other kidney, along with my liver, spleen and other organs I didn't even know about, never came.

The paramedics arrived just in time to keep me from bleeding out. I am currently consuming as many Powerbar Recovery bars as I can, and as soon as they are done with the surgery, I am going to see if I can get in for a massage with Kelly. I still hope to beat the odds and recover in time to run Napa.

Please come visit.